Did They Ever Love You?
When two things can be true
Someone says they love you. Then they cheat.Two things that don't seem like they can both be true.
If they loved you, how could they betray you? And if they betrayed you, did they ever love you at all?
So why do people cheat?
When we’re hurt, it’s only natural to look for an explanation. We want to believe that there must be a clear answer so that we don’t end up spiraling.
And when they can’t give an answer, we begin filling in the blanks ourselves. Maybe they were unhappy in the relationship. Maybe they were just selfish. Or, maybe, was it something I did?
Before we go any further, it’s worth saying this: understanding why people cheat is not the same as excusing it. So, why not see what psychology says about cheating?
Rather than giving one simple answer, research suggests that infidelity is driven by a combination of emotional, psychological and situational factors.
So far, researchers have identified eight of the most common motivations behind infidelity.
Anger
Seeking revenge after feeling betrayed by a partner.
Sexual desire
Feeling sexually unfulfilled or wanting to experience something new.
Lack of love
Falling out of love, losing emotional connection.
Neglect
Feeling unseen, not receiving enough love, respect and attention
Low commitment
One partner is not as committed as the other, or both partners didn’t understand the relationship was exclusive
Situation
Circumstances such as intoxication, holidays, or periods of unusually high stress.
Esteem
Seeking to increase self-worth by having sex with multiple partners
Variety
Seeking novelty and different sexual experiences.
Perhaps it isn’t the why that leaves the deepest scar, but the how
So… Can someone cheat yet still love their partner?
“I still love you, I promise it didn’t mean anything”
It's a phrase many people hear after discovering their partner has been unfaithful. And for many, it feels almost insulting. After all, you just found out that they cheated on you. So, they could not possibly loveyou, right?
Well... it turns out the answer isn't quite so simple. Love isn’t one single emotion.
One of the reasons this question is so difficult is that we often think of love as one feeling. Either you love someone, or you don't.
According to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, that's not how the brain works.
Fisher argues that our relationships are shaped by three overlapping systems: attachment, romantic love, and sexual desire. While these systems often work together, they don't always move in the same direction. In other words, a person can feel deeply attached to their partner while still experiencing sexual desire towards someone else.
Of course, desire alone doesn’t explain infidelity. Feeling something is one thing. Acting on it is another.
So how do people justify it?
Cognitive Dissonance
Most people want to see themselves as good partners. Cheating directly conflicts with that self-image, creating psychological discomfort.
To reduce that discomfort, people often begin to rationalize their behavior:
"It didn't mean anything." "I was drunk." "My needs weren't being met."
These explanations don't necessarily mean they're lying. More often, they're ways of protecting the image they have of themselves.
Again, understanding something isn’t the same as excusing it. It simply helps explain why someone can genuinely believe they love their partner while behaving in ways that suggest otherwise.
But what if it really was love? Real, pure and authentic love? Shouldn’t that be enough?
In many cases, psychology suggests it is. According to Commitment Theory, people who are emotionally invested in their relationship and perceive few attractive alternatives are significantly less likely to cheat.
Similarly, attachment research suggests that securely attached individuals are generally less likely to engage in infidelity, partly because they're better equipped to communicate their needs and navigate conflict without seeking validation elsewhere.
So, does that mean true love makes cheating impossible?
If only…
Even healthy relationships aren't immune.
Psychotherapist Esther Perel offers another perspective.
She argues that people don't always cheat because they're looking for another person.
Sometimes, they're searching for another version of themselves.
Even the most seemingly emotionally stable people aren’t immune. Major life changes such as grief, trauma or an identity crisis can reshape the way someone experiences themselves and their relationships.
In other cases, an unexpectedly intense emotional connection can emerge. When that happens, what people find themselves drawn to isn’t necessarily another person. Sometimes it’s the version of themselves that becomes alive when they’re around that person. Esther Perel refers to one of these experiences as erotic transference.
We began with one question: did they ever love you at all? We found that the answer isn’t as simple as we’d like it to be.
But at some point, whether they loved you or not stops being the question that matters most.
The more important question becomes this:
How do you heal after someone you loved betrayed you?
That's the question we'll explore next.
This article is based on peer-reviewed psychological research and books written by experts in relationship psychology. The references above are intended for readers who would like to explore the topic further.
References
Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the brain systems of lust, romantic attraction, and attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 31(5), 413–419. https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1019888024255
Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Harper.
Rusbult, C. E. (1983). A longitudinal test of the investment model: The development (and deterioration) of satisfaction and commitment in heterosexual involvements. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 45(1), 101–117. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.45.1.101
Selterman, D. F., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2019). Motivations for extradyadic infidelity revisited. The Journal of Sex Research, 56(3), 273–286. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1393494
Selterman, D. F., Garcia, J. R., & Tsapelas, I. (2021). What do people do, say, and feel when they have affairs? Associations between extradyadic infidelity motives with behavioral, emotional, and sexual outcomes. The Journal of Sex Research.https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2020.1856987